I walk through the days, holding tight to my faith, yet my heart is heavy. I sat silently in my big comfy chair, thoughts about my homework, the articles Im behind on, the things I need to do, and felt very stressed. The though that I should call my dad popped in to my mind, and for a brief second, I smiled. The came the gipping feeling in my heart, realizing I cant call him, or emial him. I cant see him, speak to him or anything else.
This birthday he wont being calling me to sing happy birthday as he has for many years. Just when I think Im over the hump, reality hits me again and I cry.
He was my freind, my confidant, my strength. He was laughter, and love, smiles and funny faces, he was my light when I felt alone in the dark. He was...... yes he was. Its amazing how many things remind me of Dad and Mom..... a song, a picture, a smell.... Its also amazing how the love goes on and on.
I am blessed beyond explainantion to have loved and been loved by such wonderfull parents for so long. I am thankful.

LOVE

I found this picture on a clip art site and it moved me. Today's message at church was about love.... how the Father loves us and how we are to love the Father.

One of the biggest struggles in my life has been feeling loved. I just could not grasp the idea that anyone really loved me.... especially my Father God. I felt totaly unworthy of his love, felt like I failed him more than pleased him. Its sad really that a lwe as Christians struggle with this feeling so much.

I spent the biggest part of my life trying to find ways, do things, say things that would make people love me. What a wasted life. Love is a choice, you choose to love or you choose not to, we can not do enough, be good enough, say enough to make someone love us.

I have to give God the glory becuase my struggle in that area is getting less and less, because I am getting to know him more and more.

The bible says, in John 3:16 "For God so love the world (us) that he gave his only son (Jesus) that if we believe in him (Jesus) we would have ever lasting life. Think about that a minute... would you send the only child you have to die a brutal and painful death so that someone else could live? I dare say most of us would not.

God loves us so much that he not only gave is only son, but he also sent the Holy Spirit to comfort us, he charges angels to surround us and protect us, He has Jesus constantly praying for us, he heals our wounds, provides us with our needs, and has prepared a place for us to share in his glory when we die. Is that not love?

Our earthly fathers (hopefully) are an image of that same love. They provide for us, comfort us, protect us and guide us through life. We do dumb, break thier hearts and ignore the wisdom they try to instill in us because of rebellion. Yet, thier love for us never fails. I thank God for a father who is like that. He means so much to me, I love him with a passion. Why then do I have such a hard time loving Father God, and accepting his love for me?

I have rebellion in my heart sometimes, and anger and bitterness and envy and a few other really ugly things. Praise God however, that he is working them out of me.....and I am learning to love him more every day.

The world is a hash place with people who destroy with thier words and cause deep wounds, and I to am guilty of doing those things, Father forgive me. I want to love as Jesus loved, and as God loves us.

If no one has told you today, allow me. I love you with the love of the Lord and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. It doesnt matter who you are or what you have done or where you have been or where you are now. His love reaches all people in all places at all times. I want to be an ambassador of that love.

Well, I have decided to come back to blogging. I stopped because I didnt really know what I truly wanted to blog about and now I know.
My pastor said something a couple of weeks ago that stayed in my mind and I mulled it over and over. He said "I stand in front of you and deliver the word God gives me, but people think just because I am a pastor and I stand up here that I am perfect, that I should never make mistakes or have faults. I am just a man, he went on to say. I have faults and failures, I make mistakes and have to repent."
I considered this and thought about all the people I know who are Christians, and come across like they never go through trials or tribulations. You never hear them talk about thier failures and things they do wrong or struggle with. I believe that it is our responsiblity to share with each other those things, to talk about the times we do "Stupid" and how God brings us through them, in order to encourage others going through the same thing.
So.... this is my goal for my blog. To be as real as I can possibly be, to be transparent and to hold nothing back. I am a woman of God, but I am no where near perfect. I make many mistakes, I have bad attitudes and do "stupid" more than I should.
I thank God, however, that I am a work in progress, that he is not giving up on me, and that is mercy toward me is new every morning.

The Heart of a Mother

Deep in my heart is a murmur, a yearning that whispers softly in my ear, a hunger for those I love to be close to my side.

Children scattered like seeds in the wind, seeking thier own lives, thier own destiny. Is this the path of life, that you give so much of yourself to those given to your care, then they are gone?
I look for memories, the warmth of a smile, the security of an
embrace or the sound of laughter. Gathering these thoughts
around me I console myself in them like a blanket.

Yet they do not ease the need in my soul, the pain of being a

mother, unable to gather her children to her.

There is an emptiness I can not discribe, a hole that

can not be filled.

What is it about a mothers heart that is so deep, so captive

to the love she holds for her daughers? Release is something

we must do, though we can not seem to achive it.

Days of joy, thoughts of christmas trees and sparkling eyes,

nights of sharing favorite books, all come floodig in like

strangers from a distant time.

It is a sadness, yet sweet, painful, yet joyous, so complex is

the heart of a mother. Handle it with care, and gentleness,

for in it lies a love that no other can truly know.

Death to Life

A gentle breeze wakes the dawn, moving effortlessly through the trees,the autumn leaves shiver at the touch of her cold hands. Knowing their time has come they release their grasp on life and with the grace of a ballerina, they twirl softly to the ground. The sun bright and inviting offers little warmth to the earth as it prepares itself for winters sleep. Soon all will be blanketed in sparkling pure white, slumbering beneath its cold beauty.

Does nature dream of its awakening, does it wait in anticipation of new birth? And once reborn into this world does it wait in apprehension for its death once again?Nature puts all its effort into its short span of time, splashing our world with color and sound and extraordinary beauty. Its as if they know, and give it all they can while they are here.

Are we so unlike nature? Do we give this world all the good and beauty and love we can for the time we are here?Or do we hide away, waiting with apprehension for our slumber? Forgetting that when we wake again, it will be in a place where the creator of nature holds the master design and it never sleeps.

Of My Love

Gentle whisps of air tickle my cheek, as I hold your soft hand in mine. I can not contain the smile that stretchs across my face as I watch you sleeping so peacefully, this is joy unspeakable. So that we may know the height, depth, breadth and width of his love. A love that stretchs to infinity, knowing no bounds, restrained not by time or man. Gods heart, a mothers heart are one. You smile, and I wonder what beautiful dream you are having, what distant lands or fairy worlds you are in. Softly I run my hand over your silken hair and breath the sweet fragrance of you. All that is within me wants to hold you so tight that you can never escape my embrace.
It is a bitter sweet knowing that one day you will leave my arms, and that I will hold you again only in my heart and my thoughts. No master poet, man nor woman could ever pen the love that I hold for you. There is no understanding of the bond that comes when someone so tiny, so precious and so gentle lies on your shoulder and trust you with thier world.

Dusty Roads

I walk down dusty roads somewhere in my memory, a hint of fragrance pulls an image to my thoughts. Wiping off the Cobb webs I explore its every detail. I feel the warmth of the sun and the gentle summer breeze on my face. Closing my eyes I embrace the touch of the grass on bare feet, and the gentle hum of June bugs in the pear trees.
The long forgotten rooster wakes us at dawn, I sit down to breakfast, savoring once again the taste of grandmothers apricot preserves. I can see her wrinkled hands and time worn face with eyes that sparkle with a hint of mischievousness.
It is a long dusty road I tread with stops along the way. Some are filled with joy and laughter, others with regret and tears. I go back often however, because somewhere along my journey I find once again Friends, places and family from years gone by.